Thursday, December 23, 2010


love, beans, heidi and areba

Wednesday, December 1, 2010


I did it.  I freaking did it!

National Novel Writing Month:  30 Days, 50,000 words.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

I have yet to wrap up the final chapter - but ultimately, I did it!

All that writing and I have so much to update the blog world about, still.  *sigh* 

For now, I rest, recuperate and prepare to edit my potential pile of crap! 

Happy December, People!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Beans with No Nuts...

My little 5 month old, Beans, is getting his business chopped today (as I type).  Beans is my kitten.  He's a cuddly teddy bear and I freaking love him.  I dropped him off this morning and the doctor embarrassed him by searching (once again) for his business.  Uno.  They have to go into his abdomen with another incision and find his other man-bit.  Poor guy felt like less than a man's man in front of the woman doctor.  *sigh*  After today, I'll have Beans with no nuts.  No nuts and a shaved belly.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Loss Comes with Change...

It's been a very long time, over a year in fact, that I've had the same template on here.  Since that time, Blogger has experienced a boom in the amount of templates they are offering for backgrounds.  I find it funny that by "boom" I really mean they've gone from like 5 options (with 5 sub-options) to somewhere around 10 (with about 20 sub-options) - ooh, advancement!  *sarcasm*

For me, I've always looked outside the box for my templates.  I find one that I like and then I tweak it to how I want it to work.  (Read: I cut out all the attachments and add-ons that come with someone else's homemade template, and by doing so I have taught myself a whole bunch about reading HTML codes!)

After my diatribe a few months back about leaving it (my blog style) alone for awhile, I've now full out changed it.  I'm a girl, you should just expect that!  Now, I'm forced to deal with the annoying issues that come with change.  You're probably wondering, "What are those?"  Well, let me tell you!  Disappearing everythings, that's what!  Friends blogs have vanished.  People I followed have *poof*ed into thin air.  It's incredibly agitating.  Instead of enjoying the changes I've begun I am now forced to piece it all back together.  Good times.


Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Talullah Belle

Talullah Belle is my sister's baby kitten.  Toolbelt, as I refer to her, is just about to turn 5 months old.  I am the babysitter while my sister and her boyfriend are enjoying a California vacation.  Last night, the little punk got lots of extra love and attention from me; only to attempt to murder me moments later. 
There I was, standing in the kitchen as the little baby sat cutely on the floor watching me.  While gabbing on the phone my eyes met hers and she leaped straight into the air and at my chest.  It was only a moment before I realized how the heck she was standing, propped, on me - looking me in the eye.  The little kamikaze kitten had landed with her back claw *IN* my left ring finger. 

Picture it: my hand was at my side and now, like a child standing on a grown ups hands as if stirrups, the stupid cat had all it's weight on it's one leg and it's claw torn into my flippin' finger!?  How the crap does this stuff happen to ME?

Of course I didn't just drop her because I didn't want to hurt or scare her.  I picked the cat up by the scruff of the neck and pulled her out of my finger (all the while mildly cussing).  Then came blood.  So much blood. It hurt so bad that I kept whipping my hand to somehow stop the pain; only later did I find dozens of tiny blood spatters that I then needed to clean up.  I washed it; bactine'd it, and bandaged it - but only after the bleeding stopped.  There was a good 5 minutes or so of me holding bloody wet papertowels on it, applying pressure while keeping it above my head!

I now have an inch long gash in my finger.  It literally *could* have been stitched.  If I had superglue I would have used that.  For real.  I would have.  Instead I just keep airing it and putting a band-aid over it with some neosporine.  A gash and another claw hole.  Must have been two claws.  I kid you not.

So, that shot my plans for dying my hair last night, and showering.  Good times.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Chapped Lips and Burnt Toast

Please do not ask me why I titled this post, "Chapped Lips and Burnt Toast".  It was the first thing that popped into my brain as I chewed on my bottom lip, as I often do, and thought about how when I was a child I used to love buttered toast with cinnamon on it.  Yum.

For the first time in a seemingly long while I produced some art today.  Nothing big.  Nothing great.  My delight comes purely from just the act of *doing* it.  Life gets itself so hectic and busy and then forces us to look back and think, wow, I wish I'd had more time for *insert project here*.  Today I just went for it.  At lunch I spent a good 20-30 min sitting on my futon, drawing.  With sharpies and colored pencils in hand, I drew a pic of myself as a child.  I changed the expression and some other things, but for the most part kept to the photo. 

This is what I created:

Yeah, I know it's not great, but it's SOMETHING.  I have never been that good at faces.  Honestly, I just avoided it most of my school years, really.  I focused on body parts, like the hands, and mastered them.  I left the faces for the "other guys".

Sorry, just had a Tommy Boy moment and pictured Chris Farley doing air quotes with his hands and saying, "other guys". 

Other than that, the cool, crisp Autumn air has filled the city.  My house is lit with candles that reflect the changes in the Season, and I sit, wrapped in my homemade afghan.  Happy.  Content.  I love this time of year!

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Cool Beans

There are so many random things that I've thought about in the past few days. Seriously random. Weirdly random. Like last night I was daydreaming about walking down a hallway where the walls were made entirely of empty cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer. Hilarious to me is the fact that I don't even drink beer, and I don't think I've ever even tried P.B.R. before! Regardless, the white cans made awesome walls in my fleeting thought.

I know. Strange.

My best friend, Amie, and I have known each other since we were 4 or 5. We've been best buds for 25 years now. Isn't that great? We survived all our difficult phases of life, including teen years, and still love each other. It's basically a modern day miracle. For as long as I can remember we have used the phrase, "Cool beans." Let me give you some examples if you are unfamiliar with this phrase.

Amie: Want to go to the movies?
Me: Sure
Amie. Cool beans.


(after a fight or argument)
Me: Alright beans?
Amie: Cool beans.

It's kind of like a cooler version of "hug it out, bitch". However, during the make-up "cool beans" there will sometimes be the follow-up "hug it out, bitch". It's usually not stated, just done.

My friend Brian recommended a movie to me last year. The movie was called "Hot Rod". It's a Napoleon Dynamite-type flick about a loser late-teen early 20 year old guy who wants to be a stuntman but he basically fails at life. He obviously doesn't realize this fact though.

To be honest, the first time I watched it I thought it was so-so. However, every time I've viewed it just gets more and more funny. My favorite scene, since day one, is posted below. It is so incredibly random that I just about peed myself. Let me set it up for you. A fight between friends/brothers has occurred. Rod goes into the other guys bedroom to make his apology. The following is the result...

It came out of left field in the movie, yet, it's creepily so much like my life.  THIS is how things happen in my world. 

My life should absolutely me a reality show.  I know it for a fact.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Gaga for Gaga

(picture borrowed from holgablog)

Tonight is Gaga.  GAGA!!!!!!  I am actually going to the Lady Gaga concert at the Bradley Center in Milwaukee!!!!!  I seriously cannot wait.  I'm so freakin' excited.

(photo borrowed from the Manila ticket selling website)

This concert shall be very entertaining to say the least.  I never get breaks like this - I am like a kid in a candy shop!

Too bad my teal pleather one-piece swimsuit is at the cleaners, otherwise I'd so rock it.  I'm sure all the people in Milwaukee will be disappointed that I wont have all my junk hanging out on display.  Far less people will be puking on the streets I suppose. Ha!  Even though I have no time to truly get all "did" up for this show, you can bet that I'll sport my weird glasses that I'm wearing in my profile pic.  Heck. Yes.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Stop Thinking

I have been thinking way too much.  It's both good and bad.  Good because it's me, it's what I do.  Bad because it often serves as a reminder of the truth of my life at the moment and for the future.  Reality isn't a horrible and depressing thing, it's just, if I lose the romantic side of me (the dreamer), can be.

"'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."  - Alfred Lord Tennyson (In Memoriam)

That statement is one that I've often quoted, or heard quoted, in my lifetime.  Fairly regularly it has been posed as a question instead of a stated fact.  I must admit that until this week I always thought that I agreed.  However, now I am uncertain and it bugs me to say the least.  It bothers me because I can neither firmly say I agree or that I disagree.  What's up with that?

It wasn't until a few days ago that I discovered (through research) where the quote originated.  Alfred Lord Tennyson.  Alfred was the poet laureate of the United Kingdom during the time of Queen Victoria's reign.  Oddly enough he took the title of poet laureate after the death of another poet that I love, William Wordsworth.  Wordsworth penned one of my favourite poems, "Daffodils".

Tennyson penned the now famous line that I quoted above, in the 27th canto of his poem/work titled 'In Memoriam'.  Alfred finished this piece in 1849.  It was written as a requiem to one of his closest friends that died of a cerebral hemorrhage when he was in his early 30s.  This piece took 17 years to complete and is a testament to the internal (and eternal) struggle and soul-searching that Tennyson was experiencing over this time.  Something that you come to understand very intimately when you yourself have lost a loved one.

While searching the roots of this famous saying, I decided to read 'In Memoriam'.  Honestly, I have yet to finish it.  But the first few Cantos floored me.  The depth of his writing, pain, and emotions are so incredibly rich.  I found myself wishing that I was in school again; wishing that I was in a class whose sole purpose was dissecting apart this work piece by piece.  And so I will.  Eventually.  Perhaps it's in one of the many poetry books that I own.  If so, I can picture myself laying on a blanket by the lake, reading and writing till my hearts content.

In the end, I always thought I'd rather know love and lose it, than to never know it at all.  I have a friend who was married and had a child, then the husband died.  He was her love.  She lost him and has spent her life raising her children, and now she's alone.  That is so sad to me.  I always thought I'd rather have that than what I've had at this point...which is, well, nothing.  But, as I realized on yet another dark night of me entering my house, late and alone, maybe this is best for me. 

I have no one to worry if I don't come home at night.  I have no one to check in when I work late hours.  I have no one to care if my day was crap.  I have no one to help me, care for me, worry over me (or with me), assist me, be annoyed by (or with) me...I have nothing.  I have me and my two cats.  It's sad.  But I wonder if it would be harder to deal with if I *had* had those things at some point...

The closest comparison would be my Mom.  We used to talk every day, whether I wanted to or not.  She always cared how I was or where I was.  I miss that now that she's gone.  Ironically, I am so thankful that I *did* have that, have *her*, in my life.  So does that mean I'd rather have and lose than not have and not lose?  I honestly don't know anymore.

"'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

Monday, August 30, 2010


I have a flippin' cold.  People still say that they think I have allergies.  I, on the other hand, just wish my coughs would be productive.  This sucks.

I'm eating Easy Mac.  Yes.  I am that lazy today.

Thursday, August 26, 2010


Cause I sure am.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Life is so weird

Well?  It is, isn't it? 

I don't have anything pressing to post right now, so I'm going to do a top ten list.  Literally, this is off the top of my head because at this exact moment (of typing) I have nothing in my brain.  Actually, I'm picturing clouds moving across a blue sky.  Weird.

1.  My throat is janky.  It's a tricky feeling like a start to a cold, but I'm pretty sure it's some sort of odd allergy.  If it's a cold, I'm going to punch my friend Tina in the face.  Alright, I probably won't;  it just sounded tough.

2.  I don't think I've had any water today.  I actually miss it.  Wow.  That's a good thing!

3.  Beans and his sister Tallulah are going in for their 12 week shots.  Let's hope that their normal doctor straightens out the stupid mistakes that his sub made 3 weeks ago.

4.  The Packers play tomorrow and I am thrilled.  Yes, it's only pre-season.  Yes, it doesn't *really* count for anything.  But dude, I miss TV and football so much that this is the most thrilling thing I've got at the moment.

5.  Sleep.  I need it.  I miss it.  Tonight?  Hope so.

6.  I plugged in an apple scented wallflower at lunch.  My house better smell awesome when I get home.  Awesome, not overwhelming.

7.  I honestly don't think I will ever *be* in love, or *fall* in love.  I think I'm okay with that.

8.  I wish my hair was fabulous.  I wish I had dark eyes, thick dark hair, fair skin... eyes, dark hair, fair skin.  ooooooh...freckles.  I'd still want freckles.  Only a whole lot more of them. 

9.  Diet Pepsi?  Not that great.

10.  Autumn is on it's way.  I feel it.  I feel it and I love it.

Alright, I have one more note to add:  My hands smell like Macaroni and Cheese.  True Story. The. End.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Done for now

Alright, I've changed my banner 56 times in the past month or so.  Alright, not quite 56 times, but you get the point.  I think I'm settled for the time being with this one.  We'll see what next week brings.

The original photo (minus the words) was my 30th of my 365 project.  I'm so resourceful.  ; )

Thursday, August 19, 2010


"I'm sorry", is being extended to my fellow bloggers that I've fallen behind in keeping up with.  It's not out of anything but the chaos of life that has kept me from your blog - the little window I have into the world in which you live.  It's just difficult without having internet at home.  Also, I've begun a lot of side projects as well and they eat up my time just as quickly as my little kitten slams his wet food.

Beans (my baby boy) and Areba (my teenaged girl) are tolerating each other.  Well, to be honest, Areba tolerates Beans.  Beans just wants to pounce on and play with Areba.  Areba, however, being 18 and the queen, just growls and slams him to the floor to put him in his place.  Then, two seconds later (and in true A.D.D. kitten fashion) Beans is after her again.  It's our own little cycle that we've got going at my place.  It's keeps me entertained and on my toes for sure!

Still no car.  Still not rich.  Still no internet.

Tomorrow I go in for a blood test.  I'm a bit nervous, but am praying that 1.) the nurse is nice and gentle.  and 2.) that the test goes well and all of my counts or whatever they fully test for, is normal.  It's a lot to hope for in the family that I come from....but really, I'm hoping (more specifically) that kidney counts are normal.

Crap.  I need to find a way to get to the doctor tomorrow....

My sister made potato salad and brought me some.  Hello, Breakfast!  I know, I'm weird.  But admit it, that's why you like me.  Ha!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010


Remember that great American nylon campaign for Leggs? 
♪♫♪ She's got Leggs, she knows how to use them...sheer energy Leggs! ♪♫♪

That song is stuck in my head after my photo session today.

Still plodding away at what I call the three-six-five project.  It's actually been one of the only things keeping me sane lately.  Not sure why that is, but it has become an oasis of sorts for me.  I like it.  Plus, those shoes rock.  I'm such a shoe-aholic.  I wish I had money, I'd have a million more shoes.  And a car. 

I love this shot of my legs.  They're nice.  I wish my whole body was as awesome as this photo!  hahaha!

"I have what doctors call a little bit of a weight problem!"  -TommyBoy

Coupon.  I have a coupon for 2 free steaks.  I printed out 4 of them.  Watch me get 8 free steaks.  Now all I need is a grill.

Oh my gosh!  I just realized that I really really miss my Foreman Grill.  Where is it?

My Mom got me that grill.

Monday, August 16, 2010


just like the title.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Summer Days, Drifting Away...

Ten Things:

1.  I'm behind in everything there is on earth right now.  Life shall return to normal soon.  My houseguest is leaving tomorrow.  (Farewell Carrie!  Also, get back on here and BLOG, Sister!)

2.  I have been eating way too much.  Having an out of State guest means frequenting all my favorite (read: FATTY) food joints in and around town.

3.  Beans' Doctor wasn't available for his 9 weeks appt yesterday, so I took the fill-in Lady.  Bad idea.  She gave him his 12 week shots instead of his 9 week ones.  I had nightmares last night about them calling me and telling me that they now needed to put him to sleep or something.  She's out today, which means I'll be worried all the way till tomorrow, when she calls, about it.

4.  My nail polish is old and I need to remove it and move on from there.

5.  I need to start eating wiser again.  Helpful that I have no money.  Maybe I'll just quit food all together! 

6.  Today is my Sister's cat's first birthday!  HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CLEMENTINE!!!  This is for you:  Enjoy!!!

7.  My photo project is going well.  It is, however, frustrating not to have the equipment that I'd love to have at my fingertips.

8.  I still do not have a car.

9.  I just ate a whole box of these frozen appetizer things.  It was good, but why did I eat that much?  Too full.  That's okay, I washed it down with a Snack Pack!  Ha!

10.  Taco Pies at my house tonight!  BOOM, BABY!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Day 6

"Some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again."  ~C. S. Lewis

This is today's addition.  Oh the things I do after midnight!

I am so weird.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Top Ten Thoughts for This Monday Morning

1.  I hate mosquitoes.  I have over 50 bites from right about my ankles downward.  That is insane.  I am like crack for those devil beasts.

2.  After-Bite works well, but burns like heck!  That is probably my own fault, though, for scratching the crap out of my feet.

3.  I need to drink more water.  I was doing good, but then I got lazy about it.  Now I'm back.  I've almost finished a Liter so far this morning.

4.  I was treading water deciding what dvds to start watching now.  Movies are great and all, but I haven't had TV (as previously stated in numerous blogs. Yes.  I know.) in 7 months.  I like watching series.  So, now I have restarted Gilmore Girls.  I began on Saturday night and am already halfway through Season One.  Good times.

5.  I need a nap.  Actually, I just need sleep and to not be woken up by a punk kitten.  Beans is such a little boy.  He's begun chewing my hair in the night.  He leaves is bed and stalks over to my head and starts chewing on my hair and playing with it.  What a weirdo.

6.  Wet food.  Areba needs wet food and I keep forgetting to stop for some.  I'm a horrible mother.  I need to treat her, seeing as she's putting up with a baby boy in HER house these days!

7.  Carrie, my out-of-town guest is coming back tomorrow.  I need to make some plans to show of the city and surrounding areas...

8.  Zuppa Tuscana sounds so good to me right now.  I need to make some this week.

9.  The car hunt continues.  And as such, I wonder why I am the "lucky" person who never has movie-like things happen to them.  Like, where is my rich uncle who wants to take care of me?  Where is my dead benefactor whose left me more money than I could possibly spend in this lifetime?  Where is my knight in shining armor?  Actually, I'd settle for the Prince from "Sleeping Beauty".  At least he could sing and dance.

10.  I am really enjoying my project 365.  Maybe I should put a picture or two on here every once in awhile?  Man, if I was really smart, I bet there is a way to link that photo album from Flickr to here.  Alas, I have little to no skills whatsoever!

Friday, July 23, 2010

I've Got Nothin' For Ya...


This week Grandma Irene died.  She wasn't *my* Grandma, rather she was my best friend (my blood brother...erm..sister(?) from childhood)'s.  Either way, she was like a Grandma to me.  I missed out on real Grandmas because my Mom's Mother died before I was born.  My Father's Mom lived up North and we pretty much only saw them on Christmas; just enough to really piss you off as a child, having to wait to open gifts until the Grandparents showed up. 

I mean, I loved my Grandma, don't get me wrong; but man, she was like a Nazi at her house.  2 pieces of bacon and THAT was IT!  A tiny glass of O.J. and THAT was IT!  Geeze, Grams, did you grow up in the Depression or something? 

Oh.  Right.  You did.

Still, Grandma Irene was my Grandma.  She loved me, treated me and punished me just like the rest of them! 

I broke at the funeral.  Every funeral now makes me think of my Mom too, so that's a big fat crappy bonus!

In other news, after hunting 2 cities and like 7 Walgreens, I have found and purchased some awesome candy that I am incredibly addicted to.  Mission accomplished.  After all, it's time to put on the "winter weight".  Not that I've ever "taken off" last years...  but shh.  We don't have to talk about that!

Writing is really what I need to be doing.  Sadly, that takes a back-seat way more often than it should.  In fact, I've begun a new project.  Project 365 on Flickr - Self Portraits.  I'm really looking to be stretched and am excited about hitting day 365 and being able to look back on a year of life.  We will see how this goes.

365 / 002:  Grandma Irene's Funeral was this morning.

In lighter news for this absolutely horridly humid Friday afternoon:  The words "eyeliner and cigarettes" are stuck in my brain.   Not the whole song of 'Paparazzi'.  No.  Just that line.  Thank you, Lady Gaga.

Enjoy your weekend, Friends!

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Busy Freakin' Week

As if any week isn't busy, right?

I feel like I'm running on fumes.  Rest assured, I'm not.  Currently I'm running on 'Monster'.  This particular, erm, flavour(?) is kind of sick too, so that's a bonus. 

Beans, my little man, is growing accustomed to his new habitat.   (Beans is my new kitten, in case you didn't know that!)  He's quickly learning that Areba is the Queen of the house; he still ends up doing incredibly boyish and kitten-like things.  It's nice having a man in the house now.  I can only hope that he grows up to learn how to fix electric issues, cut the grass, take out the garbage and deal with spiders and stuff.  I think he'll fare well with the latter, it's the previous that I worry about!  I'm kind of "over" doing the "manly" chores.  Don't get me wrong, I will do them because they have to be done, but a man would be nice.  I'm what you'd call completely ANTI-feminist like that! 

You want to take out the garbage?  SURE!  By all means, have at it!

What?  You'd love to take care of the yard work?  Uh, HI - I think that's awesome!

The dynamic of adding Beans to the recipe of my life has proven to be a bit spicy at times and just a little saucy, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. 

I'm officially working on the 'Cat Lady' thing.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Analyze This!


I write like
George Orwell
I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

Well, I guess there is no denying that as a wee lass I loved his book, 'Animal Farm'.

Oh!  Also, there's no denying my affinity for Elf Culture.  (Sorry, 'Elf' on the brain.)

Friday, July 9, 2010

Running Just as Fast as We Can...can...can...can...

Tonight is a mad dash of sorts; one which began about an hour ago.

You see, my sister and I (who live separately) are each getting kittens.  She's getting a baby girl.  I am getting the brother, a baby boy.  Beans Artimus is his name.  He's quite the little man.  He also has got quite the mouth on his cute little face!

The kittens have been locked up at my Dad's house overnight - quarantined from our other animals prior to vet inspection.  That is just how we operate, especially since Miss Areba Abigail Anne Marie (by baby) is about to turn 18.  Best to be safe.

Here's the rundown of the evening:

3pm:  Sister brings kittens to my place to show a friend some craft stuff she can take.

4pm:  Sister brings kittens to the Vet.

5pm:  I get picked up and brought to my house.  Sister brings kittens to Dad's house.  I clean and prepare for my little boy.

6pm:  My old roommate brings her six month old puppy to my house.  She is giving me the dog to give to my Dad.

7pm:  Bring puppy to Dad's house and exchange for Mr. Beans.

When-the-heck-ever:  GO HOME!

Seems straight and easy, right?  This crap kept waking me up every 2 hrs last night!  I cannot wait for tomorrow to arrive!

Happy Weekend, Friends!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Fireworks and Fried Chicken

The Fourth of July weekend has come and passed, taking with it one of the very few three day weekends that I get off of work.  A busy three days for sure.  The heat was one thing, but the air so thick that I could set my drink down on it...well, that was just too much.

When you don't have a car you realize how much better actually having a car in your world is.  I walked around the city, sweating my butt off, in order to get my tasks done.  In the upper 80s.  In extremely high humidity.  At one point, I kid you not, I was ready to throw in the towel, lay down in the middle of the side-street that I was trekking on, and die.  Someone would find my dried out body later in the day.  They'd kick at what had now become just a pile of sand and they'd wonder where the hell that mess had come from.

And now "....♪♫♪ All we are is dust in the wind..."  is in my head.  Thank you, 'Kansas'.

I operate like a movie with a soundtrack.  Let me just say that my soundtrack is awesome.  However, you cannot buy it.  It doesn't exist.

Other than the suffering of the sun as I tried to trim the hedges; briefly, before I absolutely quit, showered and passed out - the weekend was pretty decent.  The fireworks were on the 3rd.  Apparently because having the fireworks (intended to celebrate Independence) on the actual DAY is just out of the question.  Because there are other things families would rather do on the night of the 4th?  Whatevs.

The 3rd also brought with it a Fried Chicken Road Trip on Route 66 with my friend Brianne.  I would have written all about it, but she beat me to it. If you're interested please check out her blog here:  Fried-Chicken  It was a great (small) roadtrip.  The food and treats were fantastic.  I even bought a tshirt.  Cue the mouth to begin watering now because just thinking about it has made me crave some homemade fried chicken.

I think that's it for my ramblings today.  I have the gross taste of Zesty Salsa Combos in my mouth.  It's gross, yet it makes me want more. 

Time to go drink some water.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010


PROMPT - In her right hand a woman holds a loaded gun, in her left, a coin that just came up ‘tails’…NOW WRITE…

Violet’s hand trembled; her heart seemed to stop. The silence was absolutely deafening. Somewhere in the darkness seconds slipped through broken pipe one drop of moldy water at a time.

Vy willed the coin to jump up and turn over. As a child she remembered the tiny box of Mexican jumping beans that her Mother had bought for her. They seemed to have wills of their own, how hard could it be? After all, couldn’t some people bend spoons with their minds? Why wouldn’t the damn coin flip over?

The faint whimpering of Dominic awakened the blood in her veins. Life flowed back into her slate gray eyes as she realized that he still had no idea whether it was ‘heads’ or ‘tails’. His life depended on George Washington, and George had let him down.

Time had become just another abstract and illusive entity at this point. Twenty-Four hours ago she’d been in his arms. The scent of man’s cologne mixed with his sweat had made her melt. She breathed it in as if she were attempting to burn it into her memory.

Right now, she cherished that move.

Time: Only one day ago they had confessed their love for one another. The decades of friendship that had gone back and forth with unexpressed feelings of romance seemed to shatter across horizon as honesty took its course. It was only last night that he had grabbed her and pulled her close to him as the sun set. Twenty years of agony and bliss seemed as if nothing when she was beside him. It had all been worth it. They needed that time. They needed that space. They had needed it all to get to where they were, wrapped in one another’s arms, impenetrable.

Time: Five minutes is all it took to pour out the emotions that led to the most romanticized expression of love that anyone could experience – the first kiss. The first kiss is the spontaneous one; it is the act of raw passion in the heat of the moment. The second would only be better. The second kiss is the planned one. It’s the one that is thought out. When the second kiss happens, your hands are sweaty, and you’re nervous, like a teenager on their first date. The second kiss would be amazing.

The second kiss would never come.

A day…

Five minutes…

One minute…

One minute was all it took for their captor to subdue and drug them both. The rules were simple; one of them had to die.

Time has a tendency to stretch itself out to ungodly lengths. When you’re a child, waiting to un-wrap a gift, time seems to take as long as a trip to the dentist – an eternity. When you’re an adult, standing face to face with the object of your desires, time seems to mock you as it speeds itself up – laughing in your face as you look on in disbelief.

And then there was one second. One second was all it took for the coin to flip and decide their fate.

Violet would never see Dominic again. She would never smell his skin close to hers. He would never again tease her about her constant misuse of words. Her eyes would never gaze into his. Their lips would never again find each other. She would never again feel the safety that she felt when she had finally been enveloped in his strong and sturdy arms.

Her stone cold eyes peered up at the clock just as the second hand passed the 12. The alarm sounded. Vy slowly closed her eyes and she focused on the echoing beat of her heart. She had no choice, did she?

The pressure of her finger on the triggered tightened. Somehow, when the shot rang out, she thought about how easy it was. For some reason she’d imagined that firing a gun would require a strong hand. But there was nothing dramatic about this. It was almost too fluid. Too easy.

The gun only bounced a few times as it hit the concrete. The puff of smoke rose and dissipated at once. Dominic now was silent.

Violet had to kill him, she had no choice. However, love had won. At the last second, she closed her eyes, and took aim at herself. Sparing him was all she could do. Living without him is what would really kill her.

Across the vast expanse, Dominic lay on the cold cement ground; bleeding. In their silence they never even knew that they’d both been forced into the same game. In their silence they’d both made the same decision. They’d both breathed their last anticipating their second kiss.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Tuesday....After a Wreckless and Used Day

When I was a teenager I went through the roller coaster of "liking" and "loving" different bands, groups, and sounds.  Whether it was the hard core ska-sounds of the early 'No Doubt', or the alternative beats and rhythms of 'Green Day' and 'Weezer', I liked them all.  I would listen to 'Boys to Men', 'Bone Thugs-n-Harmony', Janet Jackson, Michael Jackson, and then in turn listen to 'Skillet', Rebecca St James and Sarah Masen.  Eclectic.  I've always been eclectic.

Sarah Masen sang a song called 'Tuesday'.  It's stuck in my head, the sound resonating in my ears.  I cannot tell you why this one album I have of hers has stuck with me throughout the years, but I love it.  Perhaps it's the memories.  Maybe it is the fact that the album contains fun, happy songs, and then it turns around to have the somber, haunting melodies of a Fiona Apple.  'Tuesday' is one of those songs.

I picture myself listening to it while there is rain falling against my window as I gaze reflectively outside... 

Day set, scatters of clouds in the distance
They whitewash the backdrop of secrets
Whispering shadows of blue
In more delicate hues

And finally, I stopped for a breath in the evening
And suddenly, I was caught by the scenery
Painting a picture of You

Tuesday.  It's a Tuesday.  Nothing more.  Nothing less.  Nothing excited.  Nothing terrible.  And truth be told, I'm alright with that!

Monday, June 28, 2010

Let's Just be Real Here!

As if I didn't have enough incredibly fun things occurring in my life, I got this stupid urinary tract infection.  What the?  I honestly thought you had to be sexually active to get that jazz!  Plus, I'm a clean person!!!  Ug.  So, over a week ago I went to the walk-in clinic and was diagnosed with a doosey that (luckily) hadn't reached my kidneys.  I was in loads of pain though.  Then, sixty bucks later, I went to get my 3 days of antibiotics for another fifteen bucks of cold hard cash.

Did I mention ever that I need a CAR?  A uti, not in my budget!

After my three days of that fun.  My lady business came to town.  Sorry, I'm 30 now, I can talk about my lady business if I want to.  Just sayin'.  I still felt funky.  Besides, who's to say things go away?  Am I to just trust that because my symptoms left that I'm now magically healed?  Cue last Friday, my return visit to the walk-in clinic.  

Now, the walk-in that I go to (because I don't have a doctor and to that point hadn't been to one since my early teen years - and even that was just for sports physicals) is in a grocery store.  So, here I am, at a walk-in clinic that has no bathrooms.  Therefore, I have to march through the store with my paper bag; absolutely positive that the entire world and every employee of the store are glaring at my with judgement in there eyes, and pee in a cup.  Then, I have to make the walk of shame back to the clinic, back through the store, to hand them my doggie bag of pee.  I felt so dirty.  I felt like everyone looking on was casting judgement about me having a drug test or std or something.  I desperately wanted to say, "No.  You've got the wrong idea!  I'm a virgin, I promise!"  But then in my mind they were all going to stone me anyway, so what did it matter?

Test two: failed.  Infection returned, although better.  Here I am on my second round of antibiotics. 

One doctor visit - $60. 

SEVEN days of antibiotics - $30. 

$165 later, and still no car. 

The bonus is, apparently baths are hurting me.  I love baths, and now I can't really take them.  After my first infection my brain was all, "Take baths, Heidi.  They are soo cleeean."  What the heck ever!  I told this lady (aka Doctor) and she was like, "Bad move."  Now that I'm 30, baths (for me) have become the Antichrist.  Awesome.

Please pray that this infection gets the heck out of dodge.  I'm freaked about it.  I'm a hypochondriac by nature, so immediately my mind thinks my body is failing or something.  Plus, since I started the new meds on Friday I have been completely wiped out and incredibly sore.  Every muscle in my back and body is sore for some reason, which only fuels my thoughts that something is wrong. 

Other than that, I finished season one of Criminal Minds on dvd, and now am on to season two.  Good times.

I want to marry Doctor Spencer Ried.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Oh, Wise Google...

Due to the slow, rainy, boringness of the week I have decided to follow in my fellow blogger (and friend), Brianne's, footsteps with a little game that she invented a while back.

Here's the deal (I'm switching the rules up just a bit): I chose eleven questions to pose to the mighty Google search engine. I typed in each question as it's written below, no quotation marks. The answers to each question will be the first sentence of the first result summary. My answers are weird and even include a quote from a favorite movie of mine.  Enjoy!

1.  Should I take a nap today?
Anyone who knows me knows that my favorite pastime is napping.

2.  If I ever get published, discovered, or rich, where should I move to?
If Sarah Palin ever becomes president, don't look for Hillary Clinton to pack up and leave the United States.

3.  How will I meet my future husband?
So, i have a mini crush on a guy.

4.  When the heck will I find the perfect car for me and my budget?
Here’s the challenge: My editor wants an economical and reliable car for his teenage daughter.

5.  Which is better, ‘Toy Story’ or ‘Shrek’?
Theatergoers who stick around for the credits for current releases “Toy Story 3,” “Shrek Forever After,” “The A-Team,” “Iron Man 2,” “Marmaduke” or “The Last Airbender” can spot the names of dozens of Aggie “vizzers” — graduates from Texas A&M University’s master’s degree program in visualization sciences — who were leading contributors to each film.

6.  Isn't my phone pretty?
I am not going to sit on my ass as the events that affect me unfold to determine the course of my life. I'm going to take a stand. I'm going to defend it. Right or wrong, I'm going to defend it.

7.  If I tried to run a mile right now, would I die?
Just ran one a few hours ago.

8.  Should I go see “Swell Season” at Ravinia next month?
That sounds like a great band in a great setting!

9.  I don’t golf: should I go to the driving range?
Golf is a great game: sometimes rewarding, often frustrating but highly addictive.

10.  When will I get hitched?
Mr Benigno "Noynoy" Aquino III will become the Philippines' first bachelor president when he is sworn in on June 30.

11.  Will I ever stop saying, “That’s what she said”?
Who can't stop saying these jokes?

Thank you, and have a nice day!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

It Smells like Onion Rings and I'm Tired.

It's Tuesday.  Last night some pretty fantastic storms came tearing through my part of Wisconsin.  About 35 miles from here there were actual tornado touch downs and quite a bit of damage.  Around here though, beautiful lightening.  There is nothing quite like a true electric storm.  The calm eeriness of the night.  Still and silent.  The occasional gust of wind which kicks up some of the scattered leaves, branches or random trash tossed in the street, but all in all, it's very quiet. Storms where there is no rain, they're the best, you can stand outside and prop your head up for the show.

It was probably around 11pm and the sky was black, coupled with the flashes of lightening which lit the horizon with a vast assortment of violet hues and ominous clouds.  Yet in an instant, you were returned to the darkened state of nothingness.

I loved it.

I stayed up way too late eating chewy lemonheads & friends and chasing the storm from the safety of my Mom's desk chair.  It was brilliant.

Today, however, I'm tired and the onions I picked off of my sandwich at lunch have now made the room smell of onion rings on a summer's day.  Yum?

Friday, June 18, 2010


It's Friday and...

- I haven't blogged this week

- I forgot to take the garbage out this morning

- I painted my nails last night and now I hate the color that I chose.  Isn't it funny how once something like that bothers you, it..REALLY bothers you?  I type all day long.  All I will notice is that my nails are more "peachy" than they are "pink".  Annoying.

- I didn't have time to shave this morning, therefore the shorts I laid out are going to remain there as I sweat it out in jeans.


In other news, I am inspired to have my own photo shoot tomorrow morning.  Can't find anyone to come out and play with me at sunrise, though.  Darn.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Cry Baby

Cry Baby. 

I'm not talking about the movie (of the same name), starring Johnny Depp, either.  However, it is worth noting because that movie does by all accounts rock.

I am talking about the sour gum.  On of the most exciting additions to the candy world when I was a kid.

Back when sour things hit the scene with full force, Cry Baby's led the way.  Sure there were other contenders, notably worthy oopponents such as; War Heads, Sour Straws, and Tear Jerkers.  But Cry Baby's, well, they were the cat's meow. 

When the sour phase began I was on that bandwagon in a minute!  I aced my friends when it came to not pulling faces while suffering through the hell of sour that ripped apart the taste buds in your mouth.  In fact, I rather enjoyed it!  Sour things became a delicacy to me.  To this day I still find satisfaction in a box of Sour Patch Kids or Lemonheads.  

Last night, however, I realized that I am getting older.  New flash, right?  Thanks.  But seriously, I came to the realization (this morning, actually) that tearing up my mouth for fun and competition - while being fun, yes, is great - the aftermath bites.

One twenty five cent bag of Cry Baby's contains 5 different flavoured gumballs; yellow, red, blue, green and orange.  The goal: To one at a time suck a Cry Baby until it's coating dissolves, then and only then could it be chewed.  Then, on to the next color.  At no point in time may the Cry Baby be removed from your mouth in the process - if it is, well, then you're a pansy. 

Yellow - my favourite when I was a child.  Lemon.  Yum.  Sour, yes, but very good.

Red - Hey, this is getting more sour and I don't know why I'm doing this.

Blue - Mmm... Blue Raspberry.  Blue Raspberry and HOLY CRAP THE SIDES OF MY MOUTH BELOW MY JAW ARE ACHING!



After a few moments of dealing with what I can only imagine is tantamount to child birth with no drugs, I chewed the now flavorless gum and relieved myself with a sip of Mt. Dew and three chewy Atomic Fireballs.

All in a days work.

NOT!  Enter TODAY, my mouth is so raw and tore up that it physically HURTS to eat!  Son of a gun!  Small price to pay for mastering the art of Cry Baby's though.  Yeah, I've still got it. 

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

No New Groceries

This month, the month of June, is 'no new groceries' month.  Mainly because I don't have a car, but also because, who knows what I have in my cupboards that I can be creative with.  So far I've dined on frozen corn dogs with a side of barley, snap peas and carrots.  Weird, yet satisfying.

Yesterday for lunch I mixed leftover gnocchi with some garlic-salt-seasoned sandwich steak.  For those who are not blessed enough to know what sandwich steak is; it is simply very thinly sliced steak that you can use for sandwiches.  I like to cut it up and cook it in a pan, seasoned with garlic salt.  I usually eat it in a pita pocket with alfalfa sprouts, cucumbers, shredded mozz cheese a bit of mayo and a squirt of creamy french dressing - so very yummy!  But for yesterday's lunch, I just mixed it in with the gnocchi and ate it that way.  Not too shabby.  Side for that meal, a small baggie of Cinnamon Pecan Special K cereal.

Actually, I have 2 baggies of the same cereal for lunch today.  I think I luck out though because I know I have change in my desk at work, so I should be able to add some chips or a candy bar in the mix today.

No clue what dinner tonight will bring... Should I venture into the cans and boxes, or stick with the frozens?

Monday, June 7, 2010

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles....I'll walk.

For most people the idea of a new car is thrilling, exciting even.  The thought of researching deals, figuring out financing, looking at special features, styles and colors is fantastic.  This is simply NOT the case for me.  I hate it.  I am forced into the worst place I could be right now.  When nothing else in the world could stress me out, my car broke down and now my friends and family are pushing (helpfully) me to purchase a vehicle that I don't really have money for.  Let's make the poor girl have another payment to make every month.

The payments aren't even the part that's really killing me either.  It's the process.  As a child I absolutely hated Math.  Hate is a strong word, I know, but it's true.  I hated it.  I had to have tutors and constantly be reminded of how stupid I was.  People who understood the problem tried to help me, but their understanding of the problem just pissed me off, really.  I've reached that point with the quest for a car.  My hours of research and finding good deals, shot down time and time again.  I give up.  I can't do it.  I don't want to deal with this.  Like I was with Math, I just want to scream and (literally) pull my hair.  I want to punch my wall and rip or break something. 

I can't do this.  I cannot do it.

My first car was Pepper.  Dr. Pepper.  My family couldn't afford to get me a car, nor would they anyway, so my best friend's Father sold it to me for one dollar.  I loved it.  It was a maroon Renault Alliance.  Like this one, only a different color.  I believe it was an '82, or maybe an '85. 

Mine was a four door automatic and it overheated every time I was in the drive-thru at Burger King.  I loved it.  It had a tape player and it was sweet!  It had so many problems, due to age.  I did all the work on it myself, with my Dad.  At 17 years old I changed the battery, the battery cables, the starter, the starter relay/ignition switch, name it, all the way to the easy stuff; like wiper blades and fluid.  Sadly, when I was 18 the brakes and everything to do with them crapped out.  It would cost more than the car was worth to fix it.  Bye Bye, Pepper.

Enter Gertrude: (photo is of a likeness, not my actual car.  Mine rode inches from the ground because the shocks, springs and basically everything else was pretty bad.  Not to mention the exhaust!  Let's just say you could hear me coming!)

Gertrude was my second car and pretty much a loner from my Dad, really.  A 1985 Buick Riveria.  I could, potentially, fit the whole neighborhood; 3 dogs, four babies and 6 bikes in that thing - except for the fact that it was absolutely FULL of my Dad's tools and random garbage.  I didn't care, it got me around.  For about a year I drove a boat.  It was my ghetto hoopty, and I loved it.  I was just happy to have a vehicle.

As with any car, Gertrude kicked it.  I paid for an @$$ ton of repairs only to have something be broken, by the shop mind you, that pretty much totalled it.  The shop wouldn't be held responsible, however, because it was an issue of something rusting through.  So, even though THEY bumped it, THEY caused the hole, I was the one who was screwed.  I was yet again left car-less.

I loved each of those cars, even when other's stuck their noses up at me.  I never needed a "nice" ride.  I've always felt blessed just to have SOMETHING.

Enter Beatrice:

My 1995 Geo Prizm.  It's still too soon to talk about it.  She's in my backyard, slowly wasting away.  She's been deemed unsafe for the road and I can no longer drive her.  I got her before I moved out of my parent's house.  She was with me through September 11th.  She drove me to Milwaukee when my Mom was dying of cancer.  She drove my friend Pam to and from many cancer appointment.  She moved me and all my belongings 7 times. She's lasted me a decade.  I couldn't have gotten a better car or a better deal. 

After Gertrude I had $3000 I could borrow and spend.  Knowing that, my good friend (retired from the business of used car sales) went on a hunt for me and bought me this car - Beatrice.  I didn't even see it before he bought it.  We'd gone looking a few times, but he found this deal and couldn't pass it up.  At that time, she retailed for over $6000.  I purchased her and licensed her for $3500. 

I will never forget Eddie driving her to my house and me seeing her for the first time.  Love.  No tape player, no cd player.  No extra anythings.  I didn't care.  I lived without them.  It was a great car.  I learned to drive stick shift in that car.

And here I sit today...


I'm 30 years old and everyone seems to think I know, or should know what I'm doing.  I'm poor.  I've always been poor.  I've never had the luxury of getting something on my own.  I've never had to research and see what I would like.  I've never had to do any of this.  It's easy, if you have money, to pick out something and just go for it.  It's easy, when you have a knowledge of cars, to jump in and wheel and deal - I hate even talking on the phone!  The thought of facing a salesman terrifies me.  I detest them.  I smell them a mile away, and I run.  I cannot do this.  I've never gotten anything I wanted.  It's just the truth.  I'm not complaining at all, just stating fact.  I don't even know where to begin.  And what's better yet is that when I express this fact - I get advice!  I DON'T WANT IT!!!!  I'm not asking for it!  In fact, advice is what is stressing me out.

Advice sends me right back to that desk, in school.  Math class and I don't get the problem, or the solution.

I just want to go draw stars on my notebook, or shoot tiny folded papers like little missiles through the air with a rubber band.

I'll walk.  I don't care.  For goodness sakes, just let me walk!

Thursday, June 3, 2010


I took the bus to work this morning.  Or, I took it a mile or so away from work and walked the rest of the way.  It was an adventure.  I liked it.  And now, I'm very, very, tired.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

No Car.

Yes.  I said "no car", not "new car".  *sigh*

In about a half hour I will be picked up by my lovely sister.  She will drive me across town where I will pay just under a hundred bucks to pick up my car.  I will then drive my car to my driveway, and park it.  To fix it would be thousands of dollars.  Yeah.  Cause clearly I've got THAT kind of cash just laying around.  Not quite.

Tomorrow, I take the bus almost 2 hours earlier than I usually leave.  I ride it to the final stop, about a mile from work, and then I hike it.  After work, I'll find out just how long it takes to walk almost 4 miles home after working all day long. 

At least it will still be light out when I get home.

Car Troubles, Pursuit of Love, and Mosquito Bites

Car problems never seem to happen at the time when you have a massive windfall of money.  Actually, I've never had a massive windfall of money, so I guess I cannot accurately make that assumption.  Regardless, I find myself without a car today while the car Doctor checks her out.  I'm anxiously awaiting "the call".  I was anticipating it arriving around 11, but now it's just past noon and still no word.  Can that be good? 

My good friend is off on an adventure of a lifetime.  I worried about her.  Just like in the movies, she flew halfway across America to pursue the "one that got away".  She's laying it all on the line for a chance at love and no regrets.  I worry for her heart, a lot.  But, being the hopeless romantic that I am, I do wish for the fairy tale happy ending.  A wedding.  A kiss.  Babies.  Love.  The whole nine-yards.  I look forward to hearing of her travels.

Mosquitoes are devil birds.  I hate them.  I have at least 15 bites (that I can identify) that are the size of dimes on my body.  They itch like the dickens.  The fantastic part is that I sprayed myself with OFF three flippin' times!  The little devils LOVE me.  Stupid pests.

I hope my car is okay.  Also, I hope you're having a FABULOUS day!

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Down For The Count

Around half past midnight last night I had finished all of my business (see also: time wasting) on facebook and I was ready to go home.  At some point I ventured into my sister's room to say 'hello' to her and her boyfriend.  As I knelt and leaned over the edge of her bed my right thigh bashed into the sharp corner/edge of her bed.

Thinking back, I'm pretty sure I swore loudly right before hitting the floor.

I was certain my whole leg had been sliced open and that, well, this was it.  It was the end for me.  The curtain was closing as I lay bleeding to death beside her bed.

As children, and pretty much still as adults, my sister and I play this sick and semi-twisted game of injury.  And it's pretty much a given that you play by the rules, because...well, just because, "dems da rules".  For example, if I'm being particularly jerky, at any given moment my sister may take her hand and say "chopped" as she fashions her flattened hand in a cutting motion across my arm, or leg.  At that point, it's peace-out arm, or leg!  She either stiches it back on and fixes it, or I am forced to go without.  Unless of course I have the strength and ability to fix it on my own.

I was seriously down for the count last night.  I could feel the blood pooling around me.  My body went numb and I think I saw a light.  Granted, it was the light from the hallway, but still.

I needed staples.  I could feel it.  I knew it.  I felt so helpless.  No one came to my rescue.  I had to do this on my own.

I reached down, mustering up my last ounce of strength, and I stapled my leg back together.  I must admit, it was like taking power pills or something.  It healed over pretty fast, and the blood didn't even get on my jeans.  It must have evaporated really quickly, that's the only explanation I have.

Hmm, I bet that when I check it out later this evening, I'll have a pretty sweet scar - otherwise known as a big fat bruise! 


Don't worry guys.  I'll be okay.  I hope.

Monday, May 24, 2010

This is Why I'm Hot

Not sure what I can really say about this awesome picture of me, circa early 1980s, other than; clearly, I would do anything for a little attention.  Especially from Polar Bears at the Zoo.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

To Write, Or Not To Write?

Why is there never 'time'? 

I was speaking with a friend of mine the other day about the notion of 'love'.  Hollywood has glamorized and romanticized 'love' to such an extent that it's just completely unrealistic.  It's unattainable in our human lives to live out the life of a Hollywood romantic comedy.  I'm not a cynic, just a realist.  Realistically, love takes work.  It can be fantastic, and wonderful, and even hearts and flowers and fluffy bunnies.  But, at some point, there will be fights, tears, overflowing toilets and dirty laundry! 

What about time, though?  Why does time seem to be this thing that is so highly romanticized in my brain, yet never used?  I have been legitimately pretty busy the past few months...but every day, in the far off recesses of my 40+ hour work week (with 2 jobs), a voice calls to me.  It's a voice from a big comfy, cushy, plush chair - I think it's a deep wine color, maybe mustard - in the middle of a wooded area.

I'm not talking deep woods here, people.  I'm talking dreamy, Savannah-type, woods.

Plop a big comfy chair in a patch of emerald green grass, covered with drops of morning dew.  Add in the glory, comfort, and beauty of the twisted branches and hanging canopy of these trees.  Cue the sun to stay frozen in the perfect spot, lighting the surroundings in an elegant glow of amber colors.  Offering the light of a breathtaking sunset that is struggling to cast it's rays through the trees....and that, my friends, is where I want to write.

Needless to say, I don't have any of that.  In the off chance that I have a chunk of time to spare these days, I'm absolutely worn out.  Sometimes I just feel so completely drained from my work day that it seems as if I have nothing to give.  Oh to have the life and the means to actually *do* what I'd enjoy doing - or dare I even say, LOVE doing?

Time sucks.  So does love? 

Maybe they're both overrated. 

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

My Mom's in the Trunk

A few weeks ago was my trek out to Yosemite, CA with my older sister.  We left on a Friday at 1am and 48 hours later we'd driven through 9 states and were somewhere in L.A.   Eventually I need to get my butt in gear and tell you the tales of a week long trip to scatter my Mother's ashes.  Definitely a trip of mixed emotions as the family "gathered" for one last time together.

Today I had to stop and laugh as I remembered Day#2...Utah.  Somewhere in or around the Moab desert we stopped for a stretch and to grab a map at the visitors center.  And can I just say that there are a lot of States in this Country that are total rubbish with the visitor center deal?  I mean, seriously, in Colorado you couldn't even get a free map until you were leaving the State!  That's helpful.  

Anyway, back to Utah.  Setting:  A beautiful Visitor's Center stocked with information and attended by two adorably cute old ladies, one of whom could barely speak English but she kept giving me free crap and jamming it into a tourist bag.  Whatever, it was free and she was sweet.  As we were heading out the main lady was in the middle of giving us what turned out to be VERY helpful tips - like; after such and such point there is no civilization or gas stations for over 40 miles, so fuel up.  Well, this woman (obviously quite concerned about Thelma and Louse out on their own) begins in with the Mom-type lectures about safety.  We took it graciously, as we would from our Grandmother...if we had any Grandmother's!  And as she lightly touched my arm she said, "I know you know all of this.  I'm sure your Mother gave you an earful before you left."

Me, realizing that my Mom is in a plastic box in the trunk and that maybe that would be TMI for this precious old woman, quickly decides it's best to play along. 

"Yeah."  I said as I waved goodbye.

After getting outside, my sister coyly says, "So, Mom gave you an earful, huh?"

"Well, it was either that or tell the lady that actually my Mom is in the trunk - want to meet her?"

♪♫♪  On the road again....

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Packing For A Trip

This weekend was jam packed and full of excitement.  The horses were lined up, the gun has been fired and "Dove" is running full steam ahead. 

For those of you unaware of what "Dove" is, it is a movie that my cousin and her husband have written and been working tirelessly on.  All of the pre-production details such as; casting, planning shoots, rewrites and so on finally took form this Saturday with the first official production meeting.  I got to meet the actors and sit in on the plans etc.  I'll be the tagalong picture taker and general I'm-here-so-what-do-you-need-me-to-do gal! Ha!  I love this stuff.  I love the hours of behind the scene stuff - the stuff that normal people get bored with. 

Here's my plug.  "September Son Films", check it out.  "Dove" begins filming next month.

In other news, I just ate some jalepeno salsa.  I didn't think it was very hot, but evidently I got a drop of it just below my lipline.  It's currently burning a hole in my face.  Internally, I'm good.  Externally, not so much. 

Fatty two by four had McDonalds for breakfast.  I'm not gonna lie, it was good.  Whenever I eat breakfast there, though, I find that my body feels like there is a brick in my stomach and I lose any hunger for most of the rest of the day.  Heh, maybe it's a good diet option for me...

Went to the Bucks playoff game last night.  And the crowd was nuts.  Great game, and I scored a free coffee from McDonalds today because they scored over 100 points...shoot, I better remember to get that.

For the record, Mike Bibby is hot.  True story.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

New Art

by Heidi Ervin (for Jesus)

When I laugh the sound fills your heart with joy
it leaps when I look at you
In your eyes I am beautiful.

Though fear may enter my heart, it flees when you are near
I find comfort in being held by you.
You make me feel beautiful.

In a crowded room your ears are tuned to me
and You never tire of listening.
My voice is beautiful to you.

Your heart breaks with every teardrop I shed
you pull me close with tears welling in your own eyes.
Still you look at me and see me beautiful.

In every accomplishment that I make you are there beside me cheering me on
you compliment and care for  the giftings in my life.
Because of You they are beautiful.

When I am with you and near to your side I never feel lacking, alone, or out of place
You are where I belong.
You  look at me and believe that I am beautiful.

You always long to be near me, to spend time with me
You wait for me even when I do not ask.
Our time together is beautiful.

Hopes, dreams, heartache and laughter,
we share every hurt, pain, and joy
What we have is beautiful.

You pray for me and sing over me.
You are my comfort and delight.
My soul finds its purpose and belonging in You.
You wrap me in your arms and hold me close.
You are Beautiful.

Thursday, April 15, 2010


- I'm large.  I wouldn't say extra-large, but who are we kidding here, I'm large.

- I have a new addiction, butterflies.  No, I am not catching or studying the creatures.  I am wearing them.  I just started making this homemade clippy dealy things with a feather butterfly on them.  I shall wear a butterfly practically every day this Summer.  Simply because.

- Greenberg was a good flick.

- I got my blood taken for the first time ever today.  I'm still alive, thus far.  I might kick-it later though.  Not sure yet.

- Mango gum is nasty.  I keep chewing it, but it doesn't make me like it more - it just pisses me off and reminds me that I forgot to put the mint gum back into my purse.

- Road trip to Cali soon.  Holla!

- In approximately 30 minutes my largest dream of today will come true...NAPTIME!  I have a meeting at 7 and it's a half hour from home.  But my body is fighting a SUPER crappy cold and makes me want to SLEEP!!!

I wonder if my arm will be bruised tomorrow...

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Six Feet From the Edge...

Ever have those lines from songs that just pop out at you like a sore thumb?  Not always in a bad way, mind you, but at times in a way that you identify with on a soul level?  I can recall singing (for the 100th time) a song on the radio, when all of the sudden, ♪♫♪ "How many times can I break till I shatter?"...♪♫♪  played and hit me like a ton of bricks.  At that moment in time I deeply identified with a lyric that I'd casually repeated dozens of times before.

I'm sure it is crazy of me to admit this, but quite often I feel as if my life is a movie.  At times I even could tell you what song is/would-be playing in the background of this "scene".  I know, I'm nuts.

Last night I was watching an episode of "Six Feet Under".  In this scene two older women, sisters, are having a fight that the audience understands to be a deeply rooted issue going back many years.  The main character in the show, Ruth, is attacking her sister for being free-spirited and artsy, while she (Ruth) was forced to play the role of becoming a wife and Mother and raising a family, etc.  And finally, in an all out verbal vomit of sorts, the sister confesses her envy of the life that Ruth had - and we discover that she herself was never able to have the children she so desperately wanted. 

And this line stuck with me;  "I surround myself with people who have talent that I will never realize."

The past few episodes of the show have made me wonder about my life - and then they were followed by this one, and this line.  Ironic.  I can't say I'm fully ready to unpack this sentence...nor do I really feel like I fully get it yet.  But as a single woman, who more than likely will die alone.  I have to assess what my life really stands for and what I invest my time into.  Is my life making an impact?  I think so.  But how?  Is it ironic that the closest bonded friendships I have or that I am in the process of forming, are married women?  And married women with children, to top it off!

"I surround myself with people who have talent that I will never realize."

In one respect I think it's always best to surround yourself with people who will push you to grow.  If you are always the one advising others, or helping others along...then are you really growing or going forward yourself?  But then again, when you really stop to realize it...isn't it a sick sort of torture as well?

These are just my random thoughts...

Thursday, April 1, 2010


It feels as if it has been years since my last roadtrip.  I miss the view from the road; the pit stops, the music, the fun, the adventure.  And so, after a very long wait, I have finally reached one of my roadtrips months of 2010! 

In 29 days I will be on the road and heading to California!  First stop, Denver, CO.  My sister and I will stay with our friend and her family for the night and then head to Vegas.  I'm hoping to maybe get to our cousin's new place in the Mountains of CO, but we'll see.  It would be great to see her new home.  From Vegas to L.A., and from L.A. up the coast to Sacramento - where my brother lives.  A three or four day roadtrip adventure to sunny Sacramento.  We'll stay there for 4 or 5 days (one of which will be spent in Yosemite National Park) and then we'll fly home.

There is nothing more thrilling to me than having *something* big to look forward to.  Bring on April!!!!!

Crap, that reminds me.   I have to pay rent today.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Life and Death

Death sucks.  There is no way around it.  As Siggy said in 'What About Bob?', "There's no way out of it.  You're going to die.  I'm going to die.  It's going to happen.  What difference does it make if it's tomorrow or in 80 years?"

I am 30 years old and I feel like death has become somewhat of a normal event in my life.  Maybe that is just the way it goes when you're from a large family. And with 7,431's really going to suck in say forty years when we all start kickin' it!

I have had to deal with more death in my life than any of my friends my age (that I can think of).  Their lives' seem to be this care-free bubble that seems so picturesque.   In their 20s and 30s with parents who still pay their phone bills, or car payments.  Parents that they can rely on to cover (financially) any car problems or rent payments if something comes up.  Parents that help pay for their college and help put food on the table.  I hope they realize how lucky they are.  I never had that, and now I somehow have that even less.

Death causes a lot of different reactions inside of you.  I'd be lying if I said that I don't believe it's made me bitter or callused in any way, because it has.  I've lost so many people in my life that it's ridiculous.  Five years ago next month, I lost my best friend, Pam.  And then, in just over a year, there has been a steady flow of them; My Aunt Lu (dad's sister), Vache (our 16yr old cat), my Mom, my Uncle Eric (mom's brother), my friend Eddie (like a father to me), my Aunt Margie (Grandma's youngest sister)... it's insane.

Death comes to us all.  "Death is the destiny of every man, the living should take this to heart." -Bible.  It's true.  But why does it seem to never affect certain people?  It's an oddity.  I mean, it will, eventually.  There's no doubt about that.  It's just surreal to see people my age having it so easy and yet complaining about it.  Really?  REALLY?

As I lose more of those close to me, I realize how 'conditional' friendships are - yet how the bond of blood is so very strong.  I cannot tell you how many people I have felt completely let down by in the past month.  And then something, like a death, happens in the family and you realize that even in the midst of the hardest times...regardless of faith, beliefs, politics, hurts, etc. family comes together.  Family eventually sees beyond all of that, even their own agendas, and is there.

On Tuesday I will attend my Aunt's funeral.  There will be tears, there will probably be a lot of laughs, but it's like saying goodbye to an era.  Within a year the oldest living members left on that side of the family have passed away.  I can't help but feel as though we've lost so much of our history.  The stories I heard so many times as a child seem to be the very things I'm struggling to hold on to - praying that they don't slip away.  Hoping that by some small chance the details remembered are at least somewhat accurate...  I suppose that's how it's always been though.  Memories live on through stories.  Eventually those stories become less and less accurate, but the love and laughter will always remain.  I come from a family that is rich with that.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Play That Funky Music White Boy

The above photo was shot on my way home from a weekend trip in South Western Wisconsin.  While driving down a two-lane hwy in Amish country I spotted an old abandoned farmhouse, barn and smaller barn, along the side of the road.  Being the adventurous woman that I am, coupled with the fact that my heart *beats* for artsy photography shots such as this, we pulled over.  I cannot begin to speak of the wonders within this house.  It was astonishing to actually get in there and see and *feel* the history; to wonder what the story behind letting such a wonder fall into utter disrepair...

And so we went through the entire house, minus most of the shorter bit to the left - which I am kicking myself for NOT exploring!  There were so many amazing things within this small home...