Monday, August 24, 2009

Breast Implants

Living without tv has it's advantages. I don't miss it, but when I have it I couldn't see ever living without it. Weird. I hope I can have cable wherever I live next, because I really do like television, and as a result of never watching it I am rather far away from actual news worthy events.

Today I read up on the image that has been flashing on my computer's homepage all weekend. I figured that since it was fighting ever so hard to get my attention, I'd just bite the bullet and read it.

What I read was disgusting. I'm sure you've all heard about the model that was murdered by her reality-star ex husband - whom they've now found dead, as he hung himself in a motel. Right? This is an incredibly horrific story. What kind of sicko *was* this guy? He cut off her fingers and ripped out her teeth so that the body would be harder and more difficult to identify. He stuffed her into a suitcase (horribly mutilated) and threw her into a dumpster. His plan was foiled because they did identify her pretty swiftly. Because she was destroyed beyond recognition, they identified her by the serial number on her breast implants.

My response (in my head): 'I'm so glad that I can't be identified by my breast implants.'

That thought made me laugh. It makes absolutely no sense and I have no clue where it came from!
There must be something wrong with me.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

8 1/2 Days Till I Carry a Watermelon

Next Friday I will be here. Pembroke, Virginia. With my childhood best friend, Amie.

In preparation for this event I have purchased two shirts for the weekend. One being pink, with a watermelon, saying; "I carried a watermelon?". And the other being white and stating; "Go back to your playpen, Baby."

I am in the process of renting a car in the next few days. Well, not renting it per say, just reserving it for rental next Thursday. Ah, next Thursday night we hit the open road for our "best friend adventure". We need it. I need it. It's going to be great.

I work with some total duechers. Not gonna lie. Whether it's married truck drivers that are hitting on me, or the one person in the world that seems to have a particular "Heidi-shaped" chip on his shoulder and has it out for me. A vacation from work will be great. Even if it is just 2 or 3 days off!

I have 4 more months to enjoy my twenties. I should really party it up. Like, um....wait. I have no ideas. Maybe I'll live on McDonald's 49 cent cones for a whole week. Or I could only make right-hand turns for a whole day. Man, that would suck with all the road construction in my life... Well, what about not drinking soda for a week? No. That would kill me. Hmm...there has to be some way for me to enjoy the remaining days of my 20s.

I should seriously consider bringing watermelons, shouldn't I?...

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Chocolate Covered Bacon

I love my life. It's hilarious. It's as if it is all just a skit written for Saturday Night Live. And you know what? I don't care! I love it and wouldn't have it any other way.

Yesterday my good friend Tina turned 30. I took her out to 'Henry and Wanda's' at midnight to have a last-drink-of-your-20's/first-drink-of-your-30s celebration. 'Henry and Wanda's' is a martini bar in Racine. It's a great little joint that makes you feel classy just to be in it. My martini kicked major butt. I've never been let down there.

Enter Ally. Ally was one of the local barfolk. She was trashed and I'm a sucker for talking to people. No really, I swear, I'm a magnet for people to open up to me. Random people tell me their life stories while standing in line at Walgreens! It's fantastic. Well, poor Ally just got dumped and was taken by the beauty of me and my friend Tina.

In fact, Ally proceeded to tell me that my hair (which was flat ironed and partly up with bobby-pins) was beautiful and I was doing it all wrong. She then took my hair down and proceeded to 'fix' it. 5 minutes later, I was sitting in a classy bar in downtown Racine, looking as if I'd just stepped out of an 80s 'Bangles' video. Yes, friends, Ally ratted my hair.

I was stuck with it for the night because every time I adjusted it, good ol' Ally, would run across the room to 'FIX' my mistake.

After that, I went home and got a good, solid, 3.5 hours of sleep before heading off to work. Then, straight from work I headed back up to Racine to have a birthday dinner with a group of Tina's friends at a restaurant called 'Salute'.


The waitress hated me. I'm convinced she was plotting ways to kill me. I sat next to my friend Kelly, who also was hated. It was awesome. She took everyone's orders, went to the table behind us and asked if they wanted dessert, then came back and took our order. She never ONCE talked to me before the end of the meal! Another friend that was with us had to ask for our drinks for us! All-in-all, not a fan. The food was, eh. Boring. The owners were nice and brought us free birthday shots. Bonus!

Ha! AND, my friend that I never get to see anymore, told me 'Your life depresses me.' HA! How do you respond? I said, 'I haven't seen you in months! I haven't said anything about my life. How can it depress you? It doesn't depress me. I think it's funny!'

Awkward. Hmm.
Not the most exciting thing to hear! But, in the end, I had a blast and ran like hell out the door to escape the crazy witch lady who wanted to murder me with her magical powers.

TODAY: I'm on my way to the State Fair, baby! CHOCOLATE COVERED BACON!!!!!!!!!

Friday, August 7, 2009

Construct This...

I am currently living in a room. My old bedroom. Yes, I'm 29 and living in the room that my Mother and her sisters wallpapered and painted when I was 6 or 7 years old. The wallpaper is now half ripped down; thank me, for my sullen teenage years of systematically ripping strips of it off in rebelion. The glow-in-the-dark stars are still, for the most part, in place. Random scribbles that only I can recognize are on the ceiling, done in pencil. The mint green paint directly over the closet door is shot to heck from when I found real darts and Laura and I used to throw them into that board.

Half of my life is in one cousin's basement. Half in another. And yet, I still have a tremendous amount of crap in my life. I want more than anything to sort it. But I have no room for that. And so, I live in a room. A room where I am entirely surrounded by my junk. In heaping piles. Underneath and behind those piles is my Mother's craft room.

My time of living in this room is drawing to an end. I feel it. I'm nervous. Excited. Ready. And scared, like a child. What's next in my life? I have no idea. My time-line of living at home and helping out is almost up. If I stay much longer after that, my life will be an endless repetitive cycle of what it is now; funny stories and no sleep! More importantly, no progression. I really have no clue what is next. I have options, but nothing that captures my heart. I have ideas, but none that I feel are right...or that I can afford.

Hey, did I mention that the construction workers were cutting the lines into the freshly dried cement at 2:45 IN THE MORNING? I feel asleep around 2, then woke up at 2:48 to the road crews and their saw blades sheering through the flipping road. Honestly, people! What the heck?

Long story short, I'm drinking AMP energy drink at 9am.
This week couldn't be any more awesome than it has already been!

Ooo, I did see PUSH last night. Rental. Dakota Fanning was great in it, but I love her. No in-depth critique - because I was pretty tired and just wanted my brain lulled and numbed in the wee hours of the morning. But, I liked it. It's different. I appreciated that about it. It was the first roll that I've seen Dakota transitioning into "older" parts. Although, her maturity in the movie "Hound Dog" was fantastic.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Tinseltown Movie Meal

This past Saturday I attended the 10:45am showing of "Funny People", starring Adam Sandler. It was a welcome break in my weekend - a movie for only five-bucks, on my own. I originally planned to go it alone but ended up asking a few friends, none of whom could make it. Fine by me! Ha!

I bought my ticket, got my "Movie Meal" (kids sized popcorn, small soda and a sour straw), found my seat, and settled in as the previews began to roll...

To start with, I walked into this movie with very little knowledge about it. It wasn't until halfway through that I realized that wow, this could be a really long flick. Two-and-a-half hours long, to be exact. When I stepped out of the darkened theatre and into the ridiculously bright sunshine, I knew I'd skipped the noon-hour completely.

Overall, I was satisfied with the movie. I didn't walk in with high hopes (mostly because I didn't know much about it) so there was no way, really, for me to be disappointed. I was, however, troubled by the disjointed sequence of the storyline. It was almost as if the movie itself suffered a small seizure and completely changed course halfway through.

'Funny People' is the story of George (Adam Sandler), a very wealthy and famous comedian. George finds out that he has a blood disease that is more than likely going to kill him in a short amount of time. Having heard this news he embarks on a journey of returning to stand-up comedy. The jokes are at some points incredibly dark and very reflective of the emotional roller coaster that he is on.

Along the way, he stumbles upon Ira (Seth Rogan). Ira is an endearing character who you fall in love with immediately. Ira lives with 2 roommates who are breaking through as actors and comedians in their own right. Meanwhile, Ira is struggling to find his place in the world of comedy, but it's just not working for him.

Enter George. George, faced with his death, takes Ira under his wing. George hires Ira to basically be his friend and to write jokes for him. From this, a true friendship evolves as Ira teaches George the value of real life, family and friends - and George mentors Ira in the art of bringing laughter into people's lives.

Adam and Seth have an amazing chemistry in this movie. Their characters are believable, easy to relate to, and real. The entire first have of the movie is an extremely witty banter between the two, with clips of stand-up gigs that range from awkward, to dark, to just plain funny. It is not just your typical cheesy attempt at getting a laugh. The jokes and situations are so real that you understand what is going on at such a deeper level then just the surfacey easy-to-win laughter. Maybe it's because I have faced cancers several times with friends and family members, but I can definitely say that the intro to 'Funny People' is raw, real, and funny.

Then the second half appears on the scene and slaps you in the face. What the? Where did you come from? It's as if the writer went on vacation and had someone else finish the story, without even telling them about the origins. All of the sudden there is a shift that occurs. No longer are we watching the chemistry of George and Ira, but now George is thrown into an incredibly desperate attempt at winning back the love of his life. Scene after long annoying scene of a very pathetic George living vicariously through this other man who has married and had children with his ex.

I understood it all, I guess, but it still didn't mesh with the sheer awesomeness of the first portion. Plus, I was pulled out of the movie several times at that point. I like movies to keep me. I found the time focused on his ex-love to be too lengthy and drawn-out unnecessarily.

Somewhere in there we see Ira emerge, with lessons learned. George learns the importance of family and not being so cynical about everything. And in the end we're back to comedy and real life.

All in all, I found this movie to be a pretty good flick. Would I say that you HAVE to see it on the big screen? No. But, if you have a few hours and want to escape your day - and have a few good laughs, then go see it. If not, rent it.

Remember, it's a movie about comedians, so sexual jokes and references are a given. Odds are that this one will end up in my DVD collection at some point. Not a 'Billy Madison' of Adam Sandler's, but definitely no 'Little Nicky' either!