Thursday, June 10, 2010

Cry Baby

Cry Baby. 

I'm not talking about the movie (of the same name), starring Johnny Depp, either.  However, it is worth noting because that movie does by all accounts rock.


I am talking about the sour gum.  On of the most exciting additions to the candy world when I was a kid.


Back when sour things hit the scene with full force, Cry Baby's led the way.  Sure there were other contenders, notably worthy oopponents such as; War Heads, Sour Straws, and Tear Jerkers.  But Cry Baby's, well, they were the cat's meow. 

When the sour phase began I was on that bandwagon in a minute!  I aced my friends when it came to not pulling faces while suffering through the hell of sour that ripped apart the taste buds in your mouth.  In fact, I rather enjoyed it!  Sour things became a delicacy to me.  To this day I still find satisfaction in a box of Sour Patch Kids or Lemonheads.  

Last night, however, I realized that I am getting older.  New flash, right?  Thanks.  But seriously, I came to the realization (this morning, actually) that tearing up my mouth for fun and competition - while being fun, yes, is great - the aftermath bites.

One twenty five cent bag of Cry Baby's contains 5 different flavoured gumballs; yellow, red, blue, green and orange.  The goal: To one at a time suck a Cry Baby until it's coating dissolves, then and only then could it be chewed.  Then, on to the next color.  At no point in time may the Cry Baby be removed from your mouth in the process - if it is, well, then you're a pansy. 

Yellow - my favourite when I was a child.  Lemon.  Yum.  Sour, yes, but very good.

Red - Hey, this is getting more sour and I don't know why I'm doing this.

Blue - Mmm... Blue Raspberry.  Blue Raspberry and HOLY CRAP THE SIDES OF MY MOUTH BELOW MY JAW ARE ACHING!

Green - THIS IS SO STUPID.  MY TONGUE HURTS REAL BAD LIKE I BURNED IT ON PIZZA!

OrangeI HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT LIFE AT THIS POINT.  I'M CONVINCED THAT MY MOUTH IS BLEEDING.  TEARS ARE FORMING.  I AM IN PAIN.  FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WILL SOMEONE PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY??????

After a few moments of dealing with what I can only imagine is tantamount to child birth with no drugs, I chewed the now flavorless gum and relieved myself with a sip of Mt. Dew and three chewy Atomic Fireballs.

All in a days work.

NOT!  Enter TODAY, my mouth is so raw and tore up that it physically HURTS to eat!  Son of a gun!  Small price to pay for mastering the art of Cry Baby's though.  Yeah, I've still got it. 

2 comments:

Alesa Warcan said...

Huh? I take it they still make those? I had never heard of cry babies... And on my last trip I went looking for lemon heads and all I found were soft lemonheads and friends, which were pretty weak. : /
Warheads I dig and had found on my one before last trip to the US, again, I didn't see any this time around.
I'll look for crybabies next time.

Since when do they make soft atomic fireballs? Does that work? The capsicum cinnamon kick of those things used was amazing... I remember getting some locally produced artisanal Fireball imitation near lake Tahoe last year: layer upon layer molten hell sauce.

This post rocked! : j Now I want to try a whole pack of cry babies at the same time.

Heidi said...

Oh yes, they totally still make them! A quarter for a sleeve of 5 different colored cry babys. It was so worth it.

As for the Atomic Fireballs - I KNOW! I couldn't believe they had chewy ones! They are smaller, like the size of a regular lemonhead or something - with chewy middles. They are delightful.

I can only get them at the gas station that has a creepy old Indian man who finds it incredibly funny to say "Your total is one-hundred-twenty-five dollars.", instead of "a dollar twenty-five". I always laugh, even though I don't think it's that funny.