Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Cool Beans

There are so many random things that I've thought about in the past few days. Seriously random. Weirdly random. Like last night I was daydreaming about walking down a hallway where the walls were made entirely of empty cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer. Hilarious to me is the fact that I don't even drink beer, and I don't think I've ever even tried P.B.R. before! Regardless, the white cans made awesome walls in my fleeting thought.

I know. Strange.

My best friend, Amie, and I have known each other since we were 4 or 5. We've been best buds for 25 years now. Isn't that great? We survived all our difficult phases of life, including teen years, and still love each other. It's basically a modern day miracle. For as long as I can remember we have used the phrase, "Cool beans." Let me give you some examples if you are unfamiliar with this phrase.

Amie: Want to go to the movies?
Me: Sure
Amie. Cool beans.


(after a fight or argument)
Me: Alright beans?
Amie: Cool beans.

It's kind of like a cooler version of "hug it out, bitch". However, during the make-up "cool beans" there will sometimes be the follow-up "hug it out, bitch". It's usually not stated, just done.

My friend Brian recommended a movie to me last year. The movie was called "Hot Rod". It's a Napoleon Dynamite-type flick about a loser late-teen early 20 year old guy who wants to be a stuntman but he basically fails at life. He obviously doesn't realize this fact though.

To be honest, the first time I watched it I thought it was so-so. However, every time I've viewed it just gets more and more funny. My favorite scene, since day one, is posted below. It is so incredibly random that I just about peed myself. Let me set it up for you. A fight between friends/brothers has occurred. Rod goes into the other guys bedroom to make his apology. The following is the result...

It came out of left field in the movie, yet, it's creepily so much like my life.  THIS is how things happen in my world. 

My life should absolutely me a reality show.  I know it for a fact.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Gaga for Gaga

(picture borrowed from holgablog)

Tonight is Gaga.  GAGA!!!!!!  I am actually going to the Lady Gaga concert at the Bradley Center in Milwaukee!!!!!  I seriously cannot wait.  I'm so freakin' excited.

(photo borrowed from the Manila ticket selling website)

This concert shall be very entertaining to say the least.  I never get breaks like this - I am like a kid in a candy shop!

Too bad my teal pleather one-piece swimsuit is at the cleaners, otherwise I'd so rock it.  I'm sure all the people in Milwaukee will be disappointed that I wont have all my junk hanging out on display.  Far less people will be puking on the streets I suppose. Ha!  Even though I have no time to truly get all "did" up for this show, you can bet that I'll sport my weird glasses that I'm wearing in my profile pic.  Heck. Yes.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Stop Thinking

I have been thinking way too much.  It's both good and bad.  Good because it's me, it's what I do.  Bad because it often serves as a reminder of the truth of my life at the moment and for the future.  Reality isn't a horrible and depressing thing, it's just, if I lose the romantic side of me (the dreamer), can be.

"'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."  - Alfred Lord Tennyson (In Memoriam)

That statement is one that I've often quoted, or heard quoted, in my lifetime.  Fairly regularly it has been posed as a question instead of a stated fact.  I must admit that until this week I always thought that I agreed.  However, now I am uncertain and it bugs me to say the least.  It bothers me because I can neither firmly say I agree or that I disagree.  What's up with that?

It wasn't until a few days ago that I discovered (through research) where the quote originated.  Alfred Lord Tennyson.  Alfred was the poet laureate of the United Kingdom during the time of Queen Victoria's reign.  Oddly enough he took the title of poet laureate after the death of another poet that I love, William Wordsworth.  Wordsworth penned one of my favourite poems, "Daffodils".

Tennyson penned the now famous line that I quoted above, in the 27th canto of his poem/work titled 'In Memoriam'.  Alfred finished this piece in 1849.  It was written as a requiem to one of his closest friends that died of a cerebral hemorrhage when he was in his early 30s.  This piece took 17 years to complete and is a testament to the internal (and eternal) struggle and soul-searching that Tennyson was experiencing over this time.  Something that you come to understand very intimately when you yourself have lost a loved one.

While searching the roots of this famous saying, I decided to read 'In Memoriam'.  Honestly, I have yet to finish it.  But the first few Cantos floored me.  The depth of his writing, pain, and emotions are so incredibly rich.  I found myself wishing that I was in school again; wishing that I was in a class whose sole purpose was dissecting apart this work piece by piece.  And so I will.  Eventually.  Perhaps it's in one of the many poetry books that I own.  If so, I can picture myself laying on a blanket by the lake, reading and writing till my hearts content.

In the end, I always thought I'd rather know love and lose it, than to never know it at all.  I have a friend who was married and had a child, then the husband died.  He was her love.  She lost him and has spent her life raising her children, and now she's alone.  That is so sad to me.  I always thought I'd rather have that than what I've had at this point...which is, well, nothing.  But, as I realized on yet another dark night of me entering my house, late and alone, maybe this is best for me. 

I have no one to worry if I don't come home at night.  I have no one to check in when I work late hours.  I have no one to care if my day was crap.  I have no one to help me, care for me, worry over me (or with me), assist me, be annoyed by (or with) me...I have nothing.  I have me and my two cats.  It's sad.  But I wonder if it would be harder to deal with if I *had* had those things at some point...

The closest comparison would be my Mom.  We used to talk every day, whether I wanted to or not.  She always cared how I was or where I was.  I miss that now that she's gone.  Ironically, I am so thankful that I *did* have that, have *her*, in my life.  So does that mean I'd rather have and lose than not have and not lose?  I honestly don't know anymore.

"'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."