Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Things I've Learned from Living with my Dad...

I am counting down the days until I am able to move out of my childhood home. Somehow, "home" is not home without my Mom there. I love my Dad, don't get me wrong, but my Mom knew that I wouldn't be able to stay there for long, nor would she want me to! That is why, shortly before she died, she asked me to please move home for 6 months to a year. And that is why I may turn 30 and be living at home. Are you kidding me?

In the meantime, these are things that I've learned from living at home with my Dad...after over a decade of freedom.

  • Empty cans go on the kitchen counter. Clearly opening the backhall door to drop it in the recycling bag is a ridiculous request.
  • Dirty kitchen towels go on the pencil sharpener in the kitchen. Again, opening the backhall door to drop it in the laundry is proposterous!
  • Never re-use the same glass. It makes the most sense to use at least 8 different glasses a day.
  • Never rinse your dishes and put them in the dishwasher.
  • Naps are taken between the hours of 5pm and 10pm.
  • After folding your laundry, it's best to keep it on couches and chairs in the living room. For weeks if need be.
  • If you are hungry, it's best to wait until someone else in the house is hungry, because then you will not have to get the food out and prepared, or put it away when you're finished.
  • You can never have too many coffee cans, pencils, pens.....
  • Shaving your hair outside is perfectly normal. Not white trash in the least.
  • If you say your back hurts, you won't have to drag the garbage down the street and around the corner - thanks to the fact that you can't leave it in front of your own house because the road will be torn up till Christmas!
  • Ignoring your alarm clock isn't annoying to others at ALL!
  • Slamming doors, at any hour of the day, is completely normal. Others should learn to deal with it, even if they are trying to sleep.
  • It's easier to yell something upstairs (at any hour of the day/night) than actually walking up them, regardless of who may be trying to sleep.
  • Encouraging your cat to walk in front of you and spontaniously laydown - and therefore rewarding her for it - is cute. Especially when she THEN does it to people who are carrying in groceries or something, because surely they'd much rather stop and pet, or look at, a stupid cat, than get to their destination and set down their heavy load.
  • It is easier to call someone at work, to see if they took the clothes out of the dryer, than it is to walk down the stairs and check it for yourself.
  • A can of green beans is a meal.
  • Cheetos are a meal
  • Adding rice, pasta, carrots or peas to a meal is foolish and therefore should not be eaten.
  • Easter baskets can be used to hats, while watching television.
  • If you see two people tying to carry 11 12-packs of soda across the torn up road (so that they get it done in one trip - in the middle of the pouring rain) it's best to laugh at them instead of assisting them, because there is no use in all 3 of you getting wet!
  • Cat treat containers are perfect for sorting nails, bolts and screws into.

....and endlessly more.....


BeeKay said...

Oh my. I think my favorite bit may be the clothes-in-the-dryer phone call. Vibes, Heidi!

Just Plain Heidi said...

Hahahaha! Thanks! I laughed at that one too! I was babysitting and got a vm from Dad, asking me to call him. I called the house phone. No answer. Called his cell. No answer. By then I hit that semi-panic mode, thinking oh my gosh, no details on my vm, so something just be wrong with Laura! I called Laura's cell and she answered. Evidently he went upstairs to ask her what he should do with my clothes in the dryer. She said, I don't know, leave them there? Then he called me.

Everything about that = funny.

Lily Cate said...

See, I haven't lived with my Dad since I was what, four, or something?
But I've still got the stories.
Anything can be cooked on the grill, including frozen pizza.
The oven is for things like drying your workboots, not cooking or anything (this one he seems to be letting go of.
Anything can be moved any distance strapped to a four cylinder toyota, including lumber, furniture and art show booths, but under no circumstances should anything be in the trunk except for golfclubs.
and so on.

Sarah said...

I think your dad is perfectly reasonable. Obviously you need to make some changes as you're the one who's out of line!


chen said...

I was freshly 16 when my dad was put into mom-mode after my mom died.

They don't have a clue.

They can't help it. And it's way too late to change, so don't expect that to happen. You eventually move on and the stupid little things they do don't bother you anymore. Some of them in fact, give you great things to smile about. One day they'll be gone too and you'll see that there really was some charm in what they did. You'll have great stories to tell for the rest of your life. . .

It's not so bad in the big scheme of things.
(and you're right that your mom wouldn't want you to stay there too long. Remember that note I accidentally sent to Laura? Remember what it said? No coincidence at all that it was inadvertently sent to her too, as a witness to your mom's desires.)