Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Life, Love and the Pursuit of Normalcy

The scent of garlic fills the air of my bedroom, coupled with the remnants of my perfume sprays from early this morning. My day began as yet another mad rush into work and routine. I barely had a moment to stop and breath in the air of change and drink in the bit of sunshine I saw, before I crawled into the cave where resides my desk.

Today's highlight was that early in the day, let's just say 10ish, the septic company came to clean out the "wash bay" in the trailer shop. For those of you who are as naive as I was, it smells like the thickest stench of rotting eggs that you could imagine. Worse than when they pump the poop tank.

So there I was; once again examining the steps that led my life to where it has gotten. Wondering if choices I made were all that great. I could be a pastor's wife in Tennessee. I could be married and living in England, or St. Louis. I could be an actress. I could be on SNL, maybe. Yet there I sit, day in and day out, in a cave. Like a prisoner, I have no window. Like a lab rat, I have no fresh air. I am a woman sitting in a man's world.

I know that I am right where I am supposed to be, I don't doubt that one bit. However, there are the rare moments in life that I look at this smudged, imperfect, overweight, too tall, fat faced life and think, hmmm. That's not how I pictured things happening. Months away from turning 30 and this is not what I thought I'd be; where I thought I'd be, or what I thought it would look like. Married, a house, 3 or 4 kids (at least) by now. Being Suzie Homemaker 24 hrs a day. That was my dream all along. How come I'm living with my Dad and Sister, working at a Trucking Company and single. What does all of this mean?

The smudges, the choices made, the heartbreaks of giving up lifelong dreams, the sacrifice of any sense of normalcy and girliness that comes with climbing up walls; using grease ladened screwdrivers to change light bulbs in exit signs while sweet talking the fire inspectors hoping that you can pass with flying colors...all of these things add a bit of color to my painting. Yet when I look at it from here, it looks like a blob of mashed potatoes that someone threw on the concrete. Messy, used and useless. It is only when I take that rare moment to Windex the glazed over windows to my soul - only when I drop it all for the second of reflection, that I see. When you are caught up in the daily mess of life; appointments, needs, short-comings, the ever looming knowledge that regardless of how hard you try you are inevitably letting someone down, the stubbed toes and the chipped nail polish - there's purpose in it. Only when you set down your desires, opinions and pre-conceived notions do you really begin to take it all in.

Life is like a painting. A great big, messy, painting. The smears, cracks, faults and folly's all add up. They all serve as a stroke of genius in the grand scheme of things. Even though my life may seem completely opposite of what I wanted.... Even if I am never allowed the awesome joining of lives with a man in this life... Even if I never fully realize, in physical reality, the actual feeling of birthing a new life into this world... As long as I am faithful with what I have been givien, I'm golden. Like Pony Boy.

And returning now to planet earth, I wonder if my Dad will ever clean the splashes on the stove from the split pea soup he made last week. Will Laura's cough keep me up all night tonight, again? Will I ever get more than 4 hrs sleep in one night? Are those 2 oatmeal and m&m cookies still hidden where I put them this afternoon?...


BeeKay said...

I like where this went. If you were doing any of the things you listed above right now, you'd still be Heidi. And doing what you are at the moment, you're still Heidi.

I hope the cookies were found and eaten.

Hi-D said...

I ate those cookies like nobody's business.

Allison said...

I recently heard a story on NPR about a woman (whose name escapes me right now, unfortunately) who had cancer in her late 40s. She was supposed to die, and when she didn't she decided to devote her life to the one thing she had always wanted to do - spot birds. She traveled all over the world and eventually logged more birds (or whatever the term is) than anyone in history. I think a book was just recently written about her.

Anyhow, if you think there are things that are gone or not possible... don't.

Lily Cate said...

Timing is nothing.
That's what I have to say.